I have to admit that as I have been traveling through the "unplanned adventure" my emotions have been like a roller coaster. I never realized how much of dealing with cancer has to do with emotions. I have mentioned how thankful I am for all those that kept me from falling off the edge and keep me positive. And it is only because of all of them and the gift of faith.
That being said. It was easy to become desperate and grab onto anyone or anything that offered hope. It was a constant battle to keep focused on 'true north' and not get distracted by the possibilities of new medications or treatments.
When Dave was in seminary, there was a retreat to help the almost graduated seminarians to prepare to enter congregations and parishes. There was a speaker that had been invited to speak about "Discerning Your Call". She talked about what to expect in an interview, what questions to ask, and how to read a congregational profile. Her last piece of advice was to look for the signs that God is leading you this place. She used the example that for her, the signs were "lady bugs". She said when she interviewed with the congregations that she served, she saw ladybugs.
So, that sent us on our quest to find our "signs". And we did. A few years later, we were going to Virginia to interview and visit the Seminary at Gettysburg. As we flew over this beautiful country we were talking about the possibilities of moving across the country for school for me and a new call for Dave. We looked out the window and we saw crosses....they were easily explained.....the places when a road crossed over a river or a grove of trees. What could not be explained was when they showed up.....they always appeared when we were talking about the questions of discernment.
But then, when we were driving on I-70 from the airport in Baltimore to Gettysburg we started seeing crosses in the sky. Hundreds of them. Co-incidently when we saw them we were driving through Mt. Airy. Mt. Airy later became significant in my life when I was assigned to Calvary Lutheran Church as my teaching parish. While a call in Virginia did not work out for Dave, I went on to be a student at Gettysburg and go on to graduate from LTSG. (and I am thankful for the training and education I received there).
Since then crosses have been a significant source of hope and comfort for both of us, and especially for me. I have seen them when I have been struggling with things, when I am upset, and when I am celebrating. They are just small signs that God is with me. One time I was on my way to an interview for a job that I was sure was not a good fit. Instead of a cross, there was a arrow pointing the other direction....I did not get the job and that was a good thing!
So during this journey into cancer world, it was easy to latch onto anything that offered hope. Anything. Especially when the doctors were giving less than hopeful odds for prognosis. I understand how people hear of a new treatment or drug and travel hundreds of miles or spend thousands of dollars for a new miracle that offers hope of a cure....
Hope now has new meaning for me. The crosses in the sky are reminders that God is here....not just for me but for everyone. Hope is fragile and delicate, and at the same time strong and optimistic.....another paradox! (I love paradoxes!!!!!)
